Divorce is always a pain. Confused feelings and misunderstanding, resentment, anger, despair are destructive emotions that break a person, even if he was the initiator of the separation. But you need to learn to get out of this psychological pool healed and healthy. Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti, Helmut Figdor, John Gottman with Nan Silver, and Daphne Kingma teach how to do it right.
How to get rid of fears and confused emotions.
Bruce Fischer and Robert Alberti compare divorce to an operation or a downfall, when you need to pick up the pieces of yourself, build new landmarks and restore your psychological state. If the spouse was the initiator of the separation, the man goes through the stages of denial and anger, analysis of the balance of advantages and disadvantages of divorce, depression. They are followed by recovery. When the process has been successful, the person enters the last stage with hope.
There are nuances. In the case where one person from a divorced couple was a perfectionist, and the other suffered from an internal critic, the breakup could be provoked by a hyper irresponsible pattern. The reason is codependency, which causes frustration. Such unhealthy relationships after divorce increase subconscious fear:
• you have fear of losing control and becoming worse;
• there are some changes in your life;
To get rid of fears, you need to go through the stages of adaptation and adaptation. This is a building block of a new personality. As the patterns show, for some people a year is enough, for others it will take 3-5 years. The warmer and more emotional the relationship was, the more difficult it is to get rid of the feeling of loneliness. Fischer and Alberti draw analogies of the post-divorce period, comparing it to the feelings of a wounded dog. She is in a secluded cave, waiting for her wounds to heal, and sometimes peeks out, thinking whether to go to the top or stay here.
Guilt and atonement – self-flagellation after marriage dissolution
Negative comparison is invariably the result of emotional detachment. They lead to adultery and the subsequent breakup of the family, especially if the injured party views the culprit as a monster. Betrayal in the eyes of his wife may look like:
• you are disclaimer and not resonsible person
• that you have platonic relationship with another woman;
These reasons make a man feel guilty after a divorce. Although, on closer examination, imaginary selfishness and coldness have a manifestation of constraint and restraint, lies are for good, and friendship with a woman is purely business in nature.
The Zeigarnik effect: how deep psychodramas appear
Gottman and Silver recall the Zeigarnik effect: a person remembers incomplete actions better than completed ones. If a man’s memory of a divorce remains an unfinished conflict, any mention of it will be a constant irritant, a “pebble” in his shoe. Memory will helpfully slip memories:
• of reciprocal self-defense expressed in anger, emotional counterattack, or behavior of the victim;
• the sense of obstruction, when a person stopped responding to conflict situations.
John Gottman notes that if cognitive and emotional correction should not carry out in time, the conflict can not resolve constructively. There is no conversation with alternating listening and reciprocal story – the foundation of the family loosened and broken. Post-divorce traumas are outwardly invisible, but they are the deep basis for the formation of an offended personality. Reconciliation under such conditions is impossible.
New rituals and habits, child care and a secret romance in letters
As Daphne Kingma advises, a good cure for breakup pain is to create new rituals and habits. Start the morning with a shower and a mandatory shave (Vasya Kolyvanov from the story “Friendship” by Boris Gorbatov did just that), a cup of coffee or tea, fresh juice. The need for communication can compensate by friends with a positive attitude, and new things and activities will take up the freed time.
It is one thing when a marriage dissolved without children. Another situation is if a child hits. Helmut Figdor insists that toddlers and teenagers need a regular relationship with their father. Without them, irritation arises, which can turn into ambivalence. Yes, if a woman offended and angry, then she forbids contact with her ex-husband. You need to understand that the future emotional health and happy life of children after growing up is at stake. This is worth fighting for.
With regard to time, it depends on how much they were able to “let go” of their ex-wife. Resentments were pushed deep inside – they will give poisonous fruits even after 5-10 years. Put everything in retrospect: the story of love and relationships, their end and turning point (“click”). Write letters with the negative that you experience, and then thank you for the gifts that you received.
Did you follow the recommendations? Everything, you can enter into a new life by starting a clean slate and letting go of the past with a smile.